Seemingly the WRONG Choices

So
does it seem that I am sick
Sick sick
Of getting it wrong
Bad mind
Very bad mind
Making it all wrong
Choosing the opposite of right
Seemingly
Of course what's unseen may be right
I can't see the unseen
I'd like to believe...
Comparison
Evil jealously
Thoughts: I don't blame them
Who's not been around for four years?
But then who was overbearing and in your face when she was?
Oh I despise myself
My past
My little public self
Arrogant and better than everyone else
Better than all of them
Better than you
So good she will disappear
Making all that goodness worthless
And worse than some
At some's feet when they were in the limelight
Popular alphas
They looked at me with fear
And ran away
Desperation dripping from my pores
In the corners of my mouth: froth
A pile of snot the past four years
Think I can start again in a new capital city?
Finish this chapter and get the fuck out
Again
But do I want bigger or smaller?
I have no shut off here
This tap keeps running
With drivel
I can make myself alone anywhere if I try hard enough
Many people can in weeks
Sometimes days
All that hard work can be forgotten in months
And I can be overlooked
Ignored
Hoped to be gone
Willed to be missing
Desired to be ill


By everyone
For four years


Delusion is my master
Knowing this I battle on.